I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
