You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
ttyl tear gas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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