Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize