So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
