Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's official drugs can't kill me
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
