she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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