I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
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