Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
