Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
