Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
