Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
