I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
