I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
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