he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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