You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
