I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
