Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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