so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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