My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
