I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
