A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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