What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
PANTIES FOUND
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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