my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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