the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
