P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
