I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
