you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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