phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
