Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
