Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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