Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
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