even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
