My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
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shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
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Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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