Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
