Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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