So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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