so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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