I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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