My liver just broke up with me...
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
