Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
