Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
This house was built for laser tag.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Randomize
