He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
