I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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