i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
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i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
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still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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