This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
