my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
