someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream