u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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