Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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