dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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