today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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