the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
