I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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