So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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