i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
